This is a fascinating story written by a friend that I feel absolutely compelled to share. He asked that his name be left out, but otherwise I have not edited his words at all…
. . . . .
-1 Hour (Before)
Here’s a shortlist that describes me — for the most part — up until this point… Depressed, Suicidal, Alcoholic, Often Nervous/Shy, Lacking Focus, Hopeless, No Vision, Struggling To Feel Inspired, Constantly Drained of Energy (and getting worse by the day), A Terrible Procrastinator, Unable to Maintain Healthy Habits, Constantly Bombarded by Mental Noise … not even capable of booking a dentist’s appointment or drinking a litre of water in a day — despite desperately needing to do both.
I had flown interstate for some business and was staying with some friends. Besides the fact that I had recently separated from my wife of 10 years, it had also been an intense week re-developing their healthcare brand and I was finding it difficult to hide how much I was struggling with life at this point.
I’m a branding consultant so, deeply concerned about seeing my plummeting emotional and physiological energy levels, they had suggested I do a “Brand Me” exercise — where I re-focus on a vision for my life — who I am, what I want, what I stand for and how I imagine the best version of me. This is what I was doing in the first hour — trying to re-connect with the best version of me…
The First Hour
As part of this exercise, I was intending to gather “evidence” of how I deserved to live my best life. This included 2 columns —  evidence as to why I should enjoy better cash-flow and  evidence that I am loved and wanted.
The first column (cash-flow) was quickly filled. The second column… empty.
It didn’t make any sense.
I knew, intellectually, that I was loved and wanted — I had evidence on SOME level that this was true for me — but there was some bizarre block that would NOT allow me to look at it, to really accept it, to even consider it as valid.
Now, the reason I even added “loved and wanted” as a column in the first place was something that happened in this first hour — an email to a friend in New York about how much I was struggling with life and some decisions I had to make after my recent marriage break-up:
…I keep asking myself “what do I really want?” — but I’m struggling with the answers because I’m so conflicted about being a good parent and yet following my inspiration in business and other areas of my life. I wonder if what I really want moves me further from my kids, then how will that play out in their experience? I know it’s just fear, but I never want them to feel unloved or unwanted…
And that’s when it hit me like a nuclear-fricking-bomb.
I slumped in my chair and stared blindly at the ceiling. That’s ME, I realised. That’s ME. On some deep sub-conscious or historic level, I feel unloved and unwanted. So then I continued to write:
…There’s a big, deep part of ME that feels unloved and unwanted, and that’s incredibly hard to dig up and let go of because it’s from experiences in my early childhood that were obviously so impactful in my personal development…
Which is why I added the 2nd column to my “Brand Me” document — I thought I could just rationalise it into nothingness. But I was frozen, unable to write ANYTHING.
The Second Hour
I have read a lot of different self-development/self-help books and done a fair bit of “work” on myself in the past. So, despite my block with the evidence list, I figured I would just hit it from another angle.
I walked upstairs, into a bathroom and stared deeply into my own eyes in the mirror as I affirmed “I AM loved and wanted, I AM loved and wanted, you ARE loved and wanted you ARE loved and wanted”…
Normally this is a strangely empowering experience, but this time it was very different.
I suddenly felt myself fall into a light trance-like state, watching my life from this day rewind quickly in my mind — I was looking for something. I knew WHAT the problem was, but not WHEN. I guess, on some level, I figured that if I knew when it all started, then I could do something about it.
My mind stopped at sometime around 10 years old. I pictured myself standing in the backyard of our family home in New Zealand staring up at the sky, feeling utterly alone.
But that wasn’t it. I could just feel it. So, back in rewind mode, I zoomed past all the years before until I pictured myself as a baby.
At this point, I almost passed out.
The overwhelm of being at this unknown place in my memory felt like it was going to swallow me up, like a giant black wave coming to drag me to the depths of the ocean and drown me there. It was so intensely raw I couldn’t get near it. I immediately had to step away from it — out of this state, out of the bathroom and out of the house to get some fresh air.
The Third Hour
One of my friends returned to her house and I mentioned about what I had discovered. I also suggested that I might see someone who was skilled enough to help me release this (in a gentle way, hopefully).
I knew the perfect practitioner, close to where I was staying, who I was sure could help, but I was about to fly out the next day, it was already mid-afternoon and I knew she’d be booked out. Still, my friend said she’d call to check…. Amazingly, she had JUST had a cancellation, and when synchronicity is at play like that, you know you just have to go with it.
So I jumped in the car, drove down, and 10 minutes later I was in session with this wonderful healer.
As a highly skilled practitioner, she was able to gently walk me in and out of the feeling and imagery that came up — using what I think is called “paradoxical therapy” and other techniques to simply allow me to become present to what actually happened and I guess to get a sense of the misinterpretation of the event…
The details are not actually that important. But I saw I had experienced deep fear, confusion and finally resignation of a life of aloneness (or as much of that as baby could process anyway).
…I finally understood what had driven so much of my behaviour for my WHOLE life.
After it was done, I felt a wonderfully deep sense of peace and presence.
Here’s what I’ve noticed has changed (instantly)…
- Energy levels have risen dramatically (but not like the manic elation I used to get before a big crash into depression).
- My body feels literally warmer (perhaps better blood-flow?).
- No “heavy wet blanket” of depression.
- No “noise” in my head (this is one of the greatest changes for me personally).
- Presence — I’m just here and now (not distracted by past regrets and future fears).
- Focus — I don’t procrastinate or have to push myself to complete a task.
- The obsession around alcohol has disappeared (I even tested it by having a few beers, and the physical experience is different now).
- My whole experience of life has changed (everything just feels easier, clearer, simpler).
- I made the dentist’s appointment without any hesitation or difficulty (after more than 10 years of procrastination).
- I bought a water filter and immediately drank a litre without needing to go to the toilet every 5 minutes (this is a dramatic change for me).
- The drama around my failed marriage has gone.
- The hope of a better future seems strong.
- My self-belief has risen.
- It feels like all the mental resistance and friction has dissolved.
- My pro-activity in heading towards the new “Brand Me” is in full force.
It was like there were a myriad of things — emotional, mental and physiological — that were programmed to confirm my sub-conscious belief that I was unloved and unwanted.
Now it’s like someone has pushed a giant emotional, and even physiological, RESET BUTTON.
I’m feel like I’m free to choose my own experience.
. . . . .
Amazing. Imagine what our world be like if we could ALL find and release these deep blockages in our emotional lives?